Uncomfortable Conversations

“I believe that success can be measured in the number of uncomfortable conversations you’re willing to have.” – Timothy Ferriss

I’d have to agree with Tim Ferriss. My definition of love is “extending yourself to invest in someone’s highest good” and uncomfortable conversations are just the type of extension that demand a big investment; one that a small percentage of people are willing to make.

The unsuccessful managers is caught up with his email. He attends the meetings he is required to attend. His reports are all completed. What’s the one activity he has left undone? Uncomfortable conversations.

• He hasn’t got around to taking to his boss about how her mass email made employees feel de-valued.
• He hasn’t talked to the marketing manager about the way he shoots down others’ ideas in meetings.
• He hasn’t dealt with the under-performer: the one who is rocking the numbers but trashing his team-mates.

The risk and discomfort involved can be paralyzing. Today (and most every day) I’m out helping people extend themselves to become skillful in those types of conversations. It’s a large privilege to help people figure out how to Love at Work.

Date with my Granddaughter

Tomorrow I go on a date with my granddaughter. As I interact with her, I often think, “What kind of a world will you grow up in?”

What if she could experience an education system that identifies her unique potentialities and helps her cultivate them so she can contribute to society in an ever-expanding way.

Maybe because of that education system she’ll be part of the team of engineers and researchers that discovers a, clean, alternate form of energy to power our autos, homes and businesses.

Maybe she’ll design a breakthrough negotiation technology that will end the bloodshed in the Gaza strip.

Or perhaps she’ll help transform our penal system to produce contributing members of society.

Maybe she’ll be an economist and use her economic brilliance to end poverty.

Maybe, twenty years from now, she’ll come out on another date with me and say, “Grandpa, I can’t believe that people in your generation used to call people ‘Human Resources’. Why did they treat them like resources, Grandpa? Didn’t they know they were people?”

My hope is that she won’t have to ask that question. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to tell her that because of my work people began to Love at Work – extending themselves to invest in each other’s highest good. I want to build a better world. Maybe I’ll let my granddaughter know that tomorrow.

Joy,

Brady

Love = Intelligent Listening

I heard Dominic Barter (the Restorative Justice guy from my last post) say something interesting about the word intelligent. He told us what the word actually means. Do you know what the word intelligent means? Smart? Wise? Knowledgable? Bright?

It comes from the word intelligere and is comprised of two parts: inter + legere.    Inter = between and legere = read or choose.  Intelligence is the ability to read between the lines. Anybody can read what’s on the lines – it’s the intelligent person who can extrapolate and read between the lines – connecting the dots to uncover the hidden meaning.

So intelligent listening is the ability to read between the lines – bringing a blend of intense interest and refreshing directness that pulls out the deepest meaning possible in any situation.

Intelligent Listening is one of the most demanding expressions of love- demanding not only immense psychological effort but a transparent authenticity that is just unfake-able. I’m passionate about helping leaders learn to be intelligent listeners because intelligent listening releases emotional engagement – the magnetic element that unlocks four times  the discretionary effort of rational engagement.

Walk into your next conversation with the curiosity that will enable you to read between the lines – then do the implication reflection – reflecting back to the the speaker what their words might mean to them – inside their world. Demonstrating this level of understanding in conversation distunguishes you as an intelligent listener.

Build a Better World

I just attended a Restorative Justice conference in Rochester. You may not yet be aware that there are pockets of the world where people are approaching justice in a way that actually restores the aggrieved, the offender and the broader community impacted by the crime.

Restorative Justice goes far beyond punitive and retributive justice (our North American justice system) and even beyond ‘repair-ative’ justice. This system, pioneered by Dominic Barter in the ghettos of Brazil, has had a transformative impact on gang wars, prison violence, schools and youth drug addiction.

Restorative Justice engages the offended, the offender and the larger community in a form of dialogue that is strikingly authentic and powerfully transformative. I am  intrigued about this phenomenon for one simple reason, and it’s the reason I wrote Love at Work: I want to build a better world. Restorative justice is a great example of how that happens. Let me use a metaphor to unpack this idea.

Think of a raging river, roaring and foaming its way downstream. Does it have power? Yes, immense power. But it’s not a particularly useful form of power. If we were to be able to install a dam and a turbine, we could transform all that power into useful energy – the kind of energy that could power a hospital or a university.

Restorative Justice does the same thing – it places itself right in the middle of the stream of hatred, bitterness and vengeance and installs a system that transforms all that destructive energy into something useful – the kinds of actions that restore people and allow them to become or return to the place of contributing to society.

Love at work is all about that very activity – stepping into our business tensions and extending ourselves to invest in another’s highest good. When we practice that at work, we learn how to do it more effectively for our communities and ultimately, for our planet. That builds a better world.

Manitoulin

I can’t believe it’s been two years since I started to write down my thoughts about Love at Work in my journal. I was at my cottage on Manitoulin Island. (my native friends tell me that Manitoulin Island means ”The Home of the Great White Spirit”) Each morning, as I sat overlooking Tobacco Lake, a flood of ideas and impressions presented themselves to me. I remember writing, “Why would I write a book about love in the workplace? People will think I’m a nutcase.” 

Well, Love at Work landed on Amazon.com this June and the initial response from readers has indicated that I might not be too far gone – in fact, for several people, the notion of practicing love at work came just on time – confirming what they knew in their gut and practiced in their leadership style all along: 1. Love creates feelings  2. Feelings release energy   3. Energy produces results.

It is so intriguing to look at the pages in my journal now – two years later, and see how the thoughts I wrote on the page, which seemed so amorphous then – have morphed into something solid and useful for people in the midst of their very real and challenging work-life tensions. How appropriate that a timely and useful message would be sparked in the home of the Great White Spirit!